[He winces at the note he receives. It's getting more and more obvious that what he's picking up isn't just... shit he sees. He's gotten so used to dancing around it, spelling it out feels to be getting caught. He still feels a need to tread with delicacy.]
THINGS WHAT'S FAMILIAR STICK OUT ALL THE MORE got more effort up ins to untangle the wicked shit from what's me AND I WAS ALREADY PAYING MIND TO WHAT GOT WROTE seeing as i cut up ins and all WASN'T NO LOUDER THAN NOTHING ELSE
[Which says less than he figures Stephen will think it does.]
[Is he going to be alright? He has no idea. There was a brief window, only a brief one, of being alright before he was taken to Norfinbury, and since then....
He writes a letter he never sends -- crumples it; leaves it in his wastebin. The one Izzy actually receives has little of the overt self doubt in its words that pervaded the first one.]
Even if the Norfinbury I remember is only one of many, it's still my responsibility. I'll figure it out.
[It's not an answer to the question at all, of course.]
[He's not ready to let go. He ain't going to move on. He acknowledges all that and he knows he shouldn't write back. But he tells himself, this time, maybe, it'll help for something.
He hopes it does. No one else should have to live that way.]
when i found out THAT MY WORLD HAS AT ALL SORTS OF TIMELINES i didn't know what to do THERE WAS BEING A THOUSAND ON THOUSANDS OF ITERATIONS where all what i know would suffer
I'D CHOSEN WHAT WORLD I GOT TAKEN TO it was what i wanted BUT I THOUGHT, IF THERE WAS CHANCE TO GO BACK to change what had been done I HAD TO DO IT even if i lost all i'd come to care for EVEN IF IT HURT ME IN WAYS INDESCRIBABLE my girl SHE GOT HER HORROR ON LEGIT she told me i couldn't go back BECAUSE IF I CHANGED WHAT WAS, ALL WOULD BE DOOMED you see, there are right timelines, and there are doomed ones ACCORDING TO THE LAWS OF MY WORLD the suffering of my fellows was right THE SINS I'D DONE COMMITTED WERE CORRECT
and i couldn't accept that I COULDN'T FATHOM SUCH CRUELTIES EVER BEING FAIR OR JUST i couldn't fucking stomach that who i was at to be I WAS THE ONLY ONE WHAT COULD CHANGE AND IF I EVER WENT BACK THEN NOT AT ALL i've never felt so trapped as like that
EVERYONE WHAT WOULD EVER BE aletheia, xanthous, even humans YOU'RE ALL AFTER MY TIME and i try, all the time, to tell myself that such existence makes it worth it BUT I AIN'T ALWAYS KNOW IF IT DOES SO I WON'T TELL YOU THAT
i'll just say what i do know YOU'RE A GOOD PERSON STEPHEN i know you are, even without knowing you personal YOU DON'T DESERVE TO SUFFER THE BURDEN OF A THOUSAND FUCKING TIMELINES you don't deserve driving your ownself mad in trying to AND THOSE MOTHERFUCKERS WHAT CARE OF YOU WOULD SAY THE SAME DAMN THING you're only one person IT'S NOT SELFISH TO ADMIT THAT YOU, IN YOUR ITERATION ALONE, CAN'T SAVE THE ENTIRE MOTHERFUCKING UNIVERSE MULTIPLE you YOU'RE NOT A FAILURE IF YOU CAN'T SAVE EVERYONE you can only save as much as you can BE IT YOUR WORLD OR YOUR TIMELINE OR JUST YOUR PEOPLE ALONE
but even by all that, brother THESE MEADOUS, WE DECIDED WE'D TRY TO VENTURE OUT we decided seeing what we could save of the miracle guardians AND AIN'T NO ONE HAD TO SAY IT, BUT IF THERE'S SHIT WHAT'S ALONG THE WAY i ain't see no reason we couldn't try and save that too AND, YOU KNOW, IT MIGHT JUST BE EASIER THAT WAY THAN IF YOU HAD TO DO IT ALONE
[Even the great Stephen Strange can't control death. But he had. He had saved an entire world of people, and what it had taken was letting go of his concerns about himself.
But had he ever really?]
I could always recruit the other Stephens Strange to help.
[That's about as far as he makes it with flippancy, though. As much as he wants to resent the advice, too much of it cuts through, reminds him of things the Ancient One told him. Is he really still so afraid of failure? Is he really still struggling to learn the central lesson? He's tried, and he's thought he improved, but this need to be the savior of the multiverse is -- it's another form of ego, if he dares admit it to himself.]
I hear what you're saying. It just might take me a while to listen.
[It's a weak remark, the comment of other timelines. A joke. Maybe he could. Maybe unlike his ownself Stephen could rely on his others. But he suspects, most likely, that they're just as stuck as he is.]
I UNDERSTAND but the fact you're being to say that to me MEANS AS SOME PART OF YOU DID
[And there's gratitude to be found in that.]
take your time MIRTH KNOWS YOU'RE TAKING IT BETTER AS THAN WHAT I DID just don't forget what preach is important, yeah? EVEN IF YOU CAN'T HELP TAKING IT AS YOUR BURDEN it ain't got to be your burden alone
[At least one of those others is a Sorcerer Supreme -- though little does Stephen know that that guy is dealing with plenty of his own problems, and like as not hasn't held on to the title.]
I've known it was a possibility for a long time. I just hadn't been hit with it in those terms before.
MOTHERFUCKERS KNOW DEATH AN EVER PRESENT POSSIBILITY don't mean it ain't surprise once that shit hits AND GRACE, MY BROTHER, IS ALL UP IN THE CIRCUMSTANCES
[Stephen's ready to leave it at that...as much as he's capable of leaving it. There's been too much and too little riding on his shoulders for a long time now.]
[He didn't do anything wrong. But he didn't do anything right either. He looks over the note, trying to find the magic solution and coming up with nothing. He, like Stephen, admits defeat and opts to let it lie.]
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2017-08-17 08:04 pm (UTC)-Stephen
no subject
Date: 2017-08-17 08:14 pm (UTC)THINGS WHAT'S FAMILIAR STICK OUT ALL THE MORE
got more effort up ins to untangle the wicked shit from what's me
AND I WAS ALREADY PAYING MIND TO WHAT GOT WROTE
seeing as i cut up ins and all
WASN'T NO LOUDER THAN NOTHING ELSE
[Which says less than he figures Stephen will think it does.]
are you going to be alright?
no subject
Date: 2017-08-19 10:55 pm (UTC)He writes a letter he never sends -- crumples it; leaves it in his wastebin. The one Izzy actually receives has little of the overt self doubt in its words that pervaded the first one.]
Even if the Norfinbury I remember is only one of many, it's still my responsibility. I'll figure it out.
[It's not an answer to the question at all, of course.]
no subject
Date: 2017-08-19 11:46 pm (UTC)He hopes it does. No one else should have to live that way.]
when i found out
THAT MY WORLD HAS AT ALL SORTS OF TIMELINES
i didn't know what to do
THERE WAS BEING A THOUSAND ON THOUSANDS OF ITERATIONS
where all what i know would suffer
I'D CHOSEN WHAT WORLD I GOT TAKEN TO
it was what i wanted
BUT I THOUGHT, IF THERE WAS CHANCE TO GO BACK
to change what had been done
I HAD TO DO IT
even if i lost all i'd come to care for
EVEN IF IT HURT ME IN WAYS INDESCRIBABLE
my girl
SHE GOT HER HORROR ON LEGIT
she told me i couldn't go back
BECAUSE IF I CHANGED WHAT WAS, ALL WOULD BE DOOMED
you see, there are right timelines, and there are doomed ones
ACCORDING TO THE LAWS OF MY WORLD
the suffering of my fellows was right
THE SINS I'D DONE COMMITTED WERE CORRECT
and i couldn't accept that
I COULDN'T FATHOM SUCH CRUELTIES EVER BEING FAIR OR JUST
i couldn't fucking stomach that who i was at to be
I WAS THE ONLY ONE WHAT COULD CHANGE AND IF I EVER WENT BACK THEN NOT AT ALL
i've never felt so trapped as like that
EVERYONE WHAT WOULD EVER BE
aletheia, xanthous, even humans
YOU'RE ALL AFTER MY TIME
and i try, all the time, to tell myself that such existence makes it worth it
BUT I AIN'T ALWAYS KNOW IF IT DOES SO I WON'T TELL YOU THAT
i'll just say what i do know
YOU'RE A GOOD PERSON STEPHEN
i know you are, even without knowing you personal
YOU DON'T DESERVE TO SUFFER THE BURDEN OF A THOUSAND FUCKING TIMELINES
you don't deserve driving your ownself mad in trying to
AND THOSE MOTHERFUCKERS WHAT CARE OF YOU WOULD SAY THE SAME DAMN THING
you're only one person
IT'S NOT SELFISH TO ADMIT THAT YOU, IN YOUR ITERATION ALONE, CAN'T SAVE THE ENTIRE MOTHERFUCKING UNIVERSE MULTIPLE
you
YOU'RE NOT A FAILURE IF YOU CAN'T SAVE EVERYONE
you can only save as much as you can
BE IT YOUR WORLD OR YOUR TIMELINE OR JUST YOUR PEOPLE ALONE
but even by all that, brother
THESE MEADOUS, WE DECIDED WE'D TRY TO VENTURE OUT
we decided seeing what we could save of the miracle guardians
AND AIN'T NO ONE HAD TO SAY IT, BUT IF THERE'S SHIT WHAT'S ALONG THE WAY
i ain't see no reason we couldn't try and save that too
AND, YOU KNOW, IT MIGHT JUST BE EASIER THAT WAY THAN IF YOU HAD TO DO IT ALONE
if not
IF NOTHING ELSE
then i'm sorry
no subject
Date: 2017-08-24 01:51 pm (UTC)But had he ever really?]
I could always recruit the other Stephens Strange to help.
[That's about as far as he makes it with flippancy, though. As much as he wants to resent the advice, too much of it cuts through, reminds him of things the Ancient One told him. Is he really still so afraid of failure? Is he really still struggling to learn the central lesson? He's tried, and he's thought he improved, but this need to be the savior of the multiverse is -- it's another form of ego, if he dares admit it to himself.]
I hear what you're saying. It just might take me a while to listen.
no subject
Date: 2017-08-24 02:20 pm (UTC)I UNDERSTAND
but the fact you're being to say that to me
MEANS AS SOME PART OF YOU DID
[And there's gratitude to be found in that.]
take your time
MIRTH KNOWS YOU'RE TAKING IT BETTER AS THAN WHAT I DID
just don't forget what preach is important, yeah?
EVEN IF YOU CAN'T HELP TAKING IT AS YOUR BURDEN
it ain't got to be your burden alone
no subject
Date: 2017-08-24 05:11 pm (UTC)I've known it was a possibility for a long time. I just hadn't been hit with it in those terms before.
no subject
Date: 2017-08-24 06:20 pm (UTC)don't mean it ain't surprise once that shit hits
AND GRACE, MY BROTHER, IS ALL UP IN THE CIRCUMSTANCES
no subject
Date: 2017-08-25 03:58 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2017-10-04 11:11 pm (UTC)sorry brother
PROBABLY OUGHT WATCH THAT PHRASING MINE
no subject
Date: 2017-10-21 03:30 am (UTC)[Stephen's ready to leave it at that...as much as he's capable of leaving it. There's been too much and too little riding on his shoulders for a long time now.]
no subject
Date: 2017-10-25 07:40 pm (UTC)