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[thewarningafter]

@beyonce

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@godsend, audio, Day 288

[termineur]

[ So he's getting to this later than he was planning, but he wanted to try what was suggested first, so he had something to report. -and he was putting it off a little too, okay. ]

Hey, Doc. I heard you were talking to Al about my MN poisoning. It's been getting pretty rough lately. I forget what I'm doing a lot, now. Anyway, thought I'd take you up on the offered medicine, whatever it is.

audio | day 288

[thewarningafter]

Right -- hi.

[Guess who also didn't get on top of this. Stephen sounds distracted and fatigued, but that's been normal for him for quite a while.]

He was saying you're sleeping less, showing more erratic behavior -- manic. He told me you were manic. There are a number of options for that; I can't guarantee how well any of them will work when it's being induced by MN poisoning but we can give them a try. At least one person here was on lithium and seemed to get at least some kind of result out of that, but it might take a few weeks before it starts to really level you out.

[termineur]

Yeah, I heard there's not a way to really manage MN poisoning, but some things help sometimes. That- yeah, I'd be fine with lithium, if it's helped someone else before. Al asked me about a transfusion too, but I'm not ready to go that far yet. Just- if it wasn't all the time, it'd be nice. The lack of sleep is getting to be a problem.

[ Not that he really wants more dreams of being a robot, or of watching his mom die, but he knows that's an issue. As long as he can pretend it's entirely the mania keeping him from it, it's okay. ]

I've been trying to do the meditations you sent out awhile ago, but it's just freaking impossible. I used to be able to meditate for hours and now I can't keep it up for ten seconds. I can keep trying, though, if you think it'd help.

[thewarningafter]

You'd need to go to John for any transfusions. Probably your most effective option, frankly, but it doesn't last.

Never mind the meditations. If they were going to help they would've by now -- is there anything that does keep your attention? Ordinarily I wouldn't advocate for inducing periods of hyperfocus, but it might be a better alternative right now.

[termineur]

Ah-

[ An abrupt pause as he considers that. There are a lot of answers he really doesn't want to give Stephen. ]

If I have something to put together and take apart, that's better than anything. I keep drifting to less acceptable things. But anything complex enough to hold my interest is pretty much banned here. I have my watch, but I don't have any of my smaller tools to get at it. Or my telekinesis.

The transfusion only lasts a week. That's- I need to be more desperate before I go with that option. Maybe when the lack of sleep is getting to me.

[ It was already, really. But he didn't want to sleep more in the first place, so it was 'fine'. ]

[thewarningafter]

[Less acceptable things. Well, that rings a few alarm bells. Al hadn't mentioned anything about Gabriel's behavior turning violent, but considering his history....

Stephen keeps his voice even.]

Less acceptable how? Have you been experiencing any impulses or intrusive thoughts you're concerned about?

[Start with the assumption he'll actually recognize what's wrong....]

[termineur]

No, not impulses, just-

[ He sighs and wishes he'd spent more time researching psychiatry. He basically only read enough to know he was a lost cause, and then he gave up on it. He sounds defensive and strained as he continues. ]

They aren't intrusive thoughts. More like- I spent every waking moment at home learning about abilities and thinking about how they worked together. I get thinking about how magic works or how the Cat exists or anything odd here, and I don't know where that's going to end up. I'm used to taking things apart in my mind, looking at how everything works together. It hasn't gone farther than that, and I don't think it will. Especially with the mania, I just can't follow through on anything, even thoughts. And I haven't felt an urge to hurt anyone or take it too far, but- I don't know, still makes me antsy.

And I- there's a memory I keep drifting to. About my family. Its something I remembered in the- when we got kidnapped. I can't do anything about it, so I don't know why it keeps coming up. I guess that counts as an intrusive thought, but again- can't do anything about it.

[ He knows talking around the subject isn't going to help anything, but he's deeply uncomfortable talking about any of it. ]

[thewarningafter]

Understandably.

[That's not entirely reassuring, but it at least doesn't sound like the adjustment is failing. It doesn't help that Stephen's not really qualified to provide talk therapy--his was always, literally, the more hands-on side of things.]

Is it something you want to talk about?

[Obviously not, from the way he sounds, but Stephen will still give him that little nudge of an opportunity.]

[termineur]

[ If he wasn't so manic, he probably wouldn't say anything- but then again, if he wasn't hit with this mania, they wouldn't be having this conversation at all. He sputters, distressed, for a moment- very unusual for him- before he spits out something he definitely didn't want to say. ]

I want to kill my dad. And I really want him to suffer. The memory, it was when I was five. He sold me to another couple for cash and then killed my mother and dumped her out on the road.

Every time I sleep, it's on repeat. That memory, over and over, and I just wake up thinking that I want to kill him for making me like this.

--damn it, that's not- it's not your problem. I don't really want to talk about it, but I talk anyway. And sometimes it's like I can't focus on anything else, so I just- I know you're not a psychiatrist. I don't think any psychiatrist would want to take me on. There's no fixing what's really wrong with me.
And that doesn't have anything to do with keeping me safe here, anyway. We can just focus on that.

[thewarningafter]

[Stephen sucks in a deep breath, then slowly lets it out again.]

...Oh.

[Broken things, he thinks. One man's loss was nearly enough to end the world; that Gabriel and Kaecilius, on some level, have something in common....

Not helpful. Gabriel is a patient and to an extent a friend. He's not Stephen's enemy.]

It's...you're right, this isn't my area, but I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that it's not entirely irrelevant to what's going on now.

[God, he's out of his depth.]

We can't...we can't change our past, and someone told me that...we don't defeat our demons. We learn to rise above them.

[termineur]

[ Gabriel's feeling off-balance, and he's not sure at all what to do with the last thing Stephen says. There's a few seconds of awkward silence before he replies flatly: ]

Well, it seems like I've failed that test spectacularly.

[ That tone of voice is gone just as quickly. He doesn't want to linger on thinking about 'rising above his demons.' After this memory, he's not sure that's even possible. It feels hardwired into him to be a monster. ]

But- you said, though, that it makes sense with what's 'going on now'? What do you mean? Like the memory has to do with the way the mania's manifesting? Or- what I'm worried about?

[thewarningafter]

[Yeah, he probably should have left that one to the professionals...not that there are any professionals around here. There's an equally awkward silence on his end as he tries to find his footing again.]

It's an intrusive thought. If nothing else, fixating on it now is one of the symptoms.

[termineur]

[ In a couple weeks, Hannibal Lecter would be around. But Gabriel needed that professional's help like he needed a hole in the head. ]

Ah. Okay, right. So I should try not to fixate on it, then? I mean, like I said, I can't do anything about it, so- But what if it means I can't change? That everything I'm trying is useless because it's just in my genes?

[ Gabriel, that is the opposite of not fixating. He seems to realize this, at least. He sighs, a little shaky sounding, and runs a hand through his hair. ]

Don't- you don't need to answer that. What can I do to distract myself? That's the better question.

[thewarningafter]

Okay, wow, no.

[That's the opposite of the takeaway he was trying to give you, here, Gabriel.]

Alright. Okay, we're going to figure this out, and lithium's going to help us get there. Meditation's not working for you, and you're worried about the kinds of puzzles your brain is picking up on. What about....

[He pauses. It feels almost like he's using Gabriel if he says this, but....]

If you need a puzzle...have you tried reading the network archives? Piecing together what we know and what we don't about this town and what happened here?

[termineur]

[ He's nodding as Stephen comes up with a plan, even though it's on audio. Okay, lithium. He can handle that. He's not sure the man can find a distraction for him, but- at the suggestion, he lets out a small, surprised laugh. ]

I did that when I first got here. But it's been so long and we keep having so many things interrupt us.

[ Like his unrecoverable knee injury, the time in the cells, so many times when he'd lost his ability to care about what was going on... ]

Yeah. That's a really good idea. I could use a refresher. Maybe I'll even take notes this time. Okay.

[thewarningafter]

Right.

[Oh good, he can actually start feeling like he has some idea that what he's suggesting might work.]

There's the videos people have found on SD cards, but there's also our own old network posts. Times Winter contacted us, times we came up with theories we might not have revisited.

[termineur]

There's also Steph's information post- really good for the earlier days here- and various other collections people have put together...although most of them are gone now, so who knows if they stuck around. It's all there, just there's too much data to make meaningful connections.

[ It was extremely annoying, because nothing came out of all of it. There were too many theories bolstered by way too many events, and no good way to keep it organized. ]

Now that we've got more information about Andromeda and Winter, though, maybe a bigger pattern will emerge. It's worth a try, at least.

[ Good job, Stephen, you've successfully distracted him away from obsessing about his past. (at least for now) ]

[thewarningafter]

[Score!]

Beckett was putting together a list of observations, too. I don't know whether he picked that back up when he revived.

[termineur]

Right, Beckett. I'll read through what was posted on the Network, hit him up after I get through everything else.

I didn't do the deepest dive when I first got here, either. I wonder if I'll be able to go all the way back to the first posts for the session. We've had all this data the whole time- maybe there's something important in there.

[thewarningafter]

I tried, but --

[But it turned out survival was nearly a full time job by itself, and once he'd taken up keeping the census at the same time....]

Oh, uh. Not a priority, but...if you happen to come across any music....

[termineur]

Send it your way?

[ He remembers Stephen singing with House in the cells. Music isn't as important to him as books, but it was sure nice to have during that hard time. ]

You got it. And yeah, it's pretty hard to stay on top of what's happened when this town seems so intent to shake us like a snowglobe every time we get settled.

[thewarningafter]

I'd appreciate it, yeah. I've kind of got a collection going -- if you want I'll send you the link to what I've already got.

[No comment re: snowglobe.]

[termineur]

[ Honestly? He regretted the snowglobe comment the moment he said it, so it's good Stephen's not pursuing it. ]

Oh yeah? I'd like that- sometimes a shed with a bunch of butcher hooks just really needs some music to liven it up. Or make us forget a bit that we're in a shed with hooks in the ceiling, anyway.

[thewarningafter]

I'd ask why this town needed one of those, but I'm afraid I already know the answer. Just maybe watch your head if you decide to start dancing.

[He sends over a link titled [playlist]]

[termineur]

Yeah, I'd rather not think about it too hard, either. Especially since it's in the new residential area?

[ If it'd been in the industrial area, he would've rolled with it, but close to the high school? Yeah, let's do that not-thinking-about-it thing. He looks over the playlist and whistles. ]

Okay, you weren't kidding about collecting music. Thanks. Wonder if I could pester House for some classical sometime- not that I'm complaining about any music. What is 'eggy sounding thing'?

[ He starts it up and instantly regrets it, turning it off after about ten seconds. ]

My question stands.